Coming out of hibernation: Lessons in Love

A week ago today I got laid off from a job that wasn't really challenging and with a boss I absolutely hated. As a result of that day, I put my blog on hiatus for a week.

Well I'm back. I want to thank everyone who took time out to comment and wish me well. It's not easy but I know I'll get through it.

Now on to today's rant. I want to do something totally different today. Normally I'm usually ranting about race, politics, music, or movies. But today's rant is going to be a little different. Today's topic is "How love varies from relationship to relationship."

Before I begin I want to set the record straight. First off, I have a girlfriend that I love and if I wasn't for these previous experiences I would not have grown into the man she loves today. Second, I want to give props to my fellow bloggers Kajuana and Humanity Critic for inspiring me. And now the rant...

I've been in love a couple of times in my life and looking back on some of those experiences I've learned that in each situation was different than the next. To protect the innocent I won't use real names. Let's start with the first one. We'll call her Keena.

I first met Keena when I was 17 years old at a Purim party. She was tall, cute and very confident. Being that I'm black and Jewish and she was also black and Jewish I thought we were a perfect match. I was naive back then and really a sucker. The love I had for her at that time was pure and naive. I believed anything and everything she told me. BIG MISTAKE! She knew every weakness I had and exploited each and every single one of them, one by one. And the funny part is I kept on coming back for more. We never really made things official and we never really had sex (although we did play Monica meets the President a couple of times), but I deep down I thought we would end up together. We were on and off for about 6 years. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when we were in DC (a trip I paid for) and went through the trouble of buying her a dozen red roses and her response was "Where's the vase?" That day something died inside of me. That day I realized that this woman never respected me. In the end this wasn't love, but at the time I was going through it all you couldn't tell me I didn't love her and til this day a part of me still cares for her, I think part of that comes from nostalgia. Recently her grandfather died. He was a mentor to me and I really loved him. On his death bed he called me his son, and right there in my mind I made a promise to myself that I would look out for her. We talk once in a while but it feels more like a sparing match.

Let's move on to our second subject. Mary. Mary and I went to high school together. She was one year younger than me and she was one of the cutest girls in the school. She had a look about her that was just stunning, but still pretty enough to be approachable. At the time you couldn't tell me there wasn't another girl that looked as good. Eventually she gave me the inevitable "Let's be friends" speech that I had been used to getting, thereby ending all my chances of hittin it. Still I would be getting these mixed messages from her (ex. Long phone conversations in where the L word was used). But alas, she ended up going out (and losing her virginity) to this redheaded white boy who was what we called back then a wannabe, today you would just call him a wigger. That's right folks I was so corny in high school that I lost my girl to a Marky Mark wanna be. Ok to be honest she was never really my girl to begin with. We tried to remain friends even though her boyfriend wanted to get me jumped. She even set me up with my first piece of ass, her fat friend Lucy. My reasoning for hittin it was simple. I didn't want to go to college a virgin and wanted to use Lucy to get to Mary. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I know it was a sjitty thing to do and it didn't work. It took years for my friends to quit the jokes about her. The back and forth with Mary finally came to an end my freshman year in college. She had already dumped the redheaded Marky Mark wannabe and was dating some other dude who was in the military. I was watching Rikki Lake one day and lo and behold I see LUCY! The topic was something like VIOLENT GIRLFRIENDS apparently Lucy dropped a bowling ball on her boyfriend's car. I quickly called Mary to ask if she was watching this. We hadn't talked for some time and she told me she was with child. I was happy for her but sad to hear her and her man weren't getting along. I ended the conversation with me saying something like "Well at least you don't have to worry about me going after you." she asked "Why?" I responded by saying "Well I don't date chicks with kids." *click*. That was the last time we've ever talked. I haven't heard from her since. At the time you couldn't tell me what I was feeling was love but now that I think about it really wasn't.
(Note: Keep in mind I was 20-something at the time).

Now we move on to our last subject. Jenny. I met Jenny about 8 years ago. I was unemployed and living with my mom. Jenny is a Yale graduate and also holds a masters from Columbia. She's into video games and likes sci-fi. And she's very intelligent in general. When we first met she was living in LA and out here in NYC just visiting friends. We met at a birthday party for her friend Lisa. All the mushy crap that I had buried for years seemed to come to the surface that night. I fell real hard. I was like a kid again. Needless to say that kind of thing didn't really go over well with her and I was banished into the friend zone. But we managed to maintain contact with each other and eventually she moved to NYC after 9/11 (through no prodding of mine). This was probably the most complex and interesting friendships I've ever had with a woman. Through our 8 year platonic friendship I've learnt a lot about myself and I've learnt a lot about her. We've got a weird Victorian thing going on. I would go into a ton of details but chances are she's going to end up reading this. Recently Jenny told me she's moving out of NYC and going to law school in New Mexico. I wish her all the best and hope she succeeds in her endeavors whatever they may be. She will be missed. Through our friendship I learnt to feel and protect my feelings. She summed it up best by saying she would be a Sith and I would be a Jedi. Two sides of the same coin I guess huh?

These examples I've presented have lead me to believe the following: Love vaires from friendship to friendship. Woman to woman. Time plays a big factor in all of this. At the time I met Keena I was young and dumb and had no idea I was being played like a fool. As a result I tricked myself into believing that I loved this girl. Was it love? Well at the time I thought it was but now that I'm older I see it a little differently. When I met Mary I was looking for accpetance from others and I thought getting with a cute chick would solve some of those problems. In return I ended up getting the complete opposite (Lucy) and settling for just getting laid. The man I was when I met Jenny is completely different from the man I am now. We both had baggage from previous experiences and eventually we broke down each other's wall (it took 8 years) and eventually we discovered that being friends was best for both of us. Her friendship helped in the growth process.